Social differences: my signs
Tick the statements that correspond to your own experiences and have been pointed out to you as signs of your social differences:
● I often feel ignored within a group; others behave as though I do not exist.
● I struggle to fit into a group.
● I have been told I am too quiet and need to speak more.
● I have been criticised for talking too much.
● I have been told I have too many opinions.
● Others seem frustrated by my behaviour, and I do not understand why.
● I have been called arrogant.
● I have been told I lack emotion.
● I have difficulty getting along with others; I frequently argue.
● I have often been criticised for inappropriate behaviour.
● On several occasions, people have told me that I make others uncomfortable.
● I sometimes say the wrong thing at the wrong time.
● I have been advised to be more attentive to others.
● I do not have the number of friendships — nor the quality of friendships — that I would like.
● I do not have a romantic partner, although I would like one.
Problems with judgement in a social situation
People on the autism spectrum (AS) often find it difficult to gather and analyse social information, which affects their ability to decide what to say or do. When an inappropriate response occurs, it is called a ‘social error’.
There are many types of social errors:
● Poor handling of social information: a mistaken interpretation leads to inappropriate decisions and awkward behaviour.
● Inaction or paralysis: unlike an allistic person, who can make mistakes without this shaking their ‘comfort in their identity’, the AS person remains insecure and struggles to assert their actions.
● Unwitting rudeness: the AS person may say things or make gestures considered impolite without recognising the consequences, triggering a spiral of misunderstanding and discomfort.
Example: someone with romantic feelings, who is a little reserved, tries to hide their emotions. Their words escape them, and they find themselves in an extremely embarrassing situation, overwhelmed by a flood of emotions and thoughts, with just one desire: to run away.
Welcome to the world of the AS person! Escape is not an option: the only way out is to understand what is happening and feel at ease again.
Processing non-verbal communication
People on the autism spectrum often have strong verbal skills and rely primarily on words, spoken or written. However, they find it harder to decode non-verbal cues — tone of voice, volume, inflections (rises and falls in pitch) and prosody (rhythm, duration, melody).
Reading others
Autism researchers have identified several types of difficulties in ‘reading’ others. Each of these dimensions of social perception has been studied:
1. Recognising and interpreting social signals
2. Inferring other people's thoughts
3. Showing empathy in response to social signals
Missing social cues
Social cues fall within social cognition. To analyse a social scene, it is crucial to pay attention to the overall setting, speech, posture and facial expressions of others. Without this information, it is impossible to make sound inferences and relevant judgements about how to behave.
People on the autism spectrum often miss these cues in two main ways:
1. Selective blindness (inattention) to signals: some do not perceive a particular type of cue, as though they were blind to an upset facial expression.
2. Underestimating relevance: others notice the signal (for example, an irritated look) but do not consider its importance for the interaction taking place.
Understanding these mechanisms makes it possible to learn to decipher and manage social exchanges better, and thus reduce the anxiety and errors associated with these difficulties.
Mind-reading
Trying to guess what another person thinks or feels is called ‘mind-reading’, or understanding another person's point of view. It is not clairvoyance or extrasensory perception; it is simply the process of forming a hypothesis about what the other person thinks or feels by putting oneself in their place.
Brutally honest
People on the spectrum are often perceived by those around them as ‘brutally honest’ and black-and-white thinkers, because they express their thoughts without gauging the impact of their words.
Psychiatric note
When our body releases adrenaline, our thinking becomes more binary: we respond to danger in ‘all-or-nothing’ mode, with less nuance and reflection.
Empathy
Empathy is the ability to understand and share another person's emotions, even when those emotions differ from our own.
Advice for AS people
1. Put yourself in the other person's place: imagine what they are going through.
2. Identify the emotion they feel and why.
3. Try to feel some of that emotion.
4. Express your understanding by telling the other person that you can imagine what they are feeling.
Note: some AS people are excellent actors and can reproduce emotions very intensely.
Differences in social perception
My social perception
Tick the statements that resonate with you; they may indicate difficulties with social perception:
Noticing social signals
I struggle to understand what is happening when I join a group already deep in conversation. I feel that others perceive things I do not see. People around me laugh, but I do not always know why. I do not immediately notice when someone is trying to get my attention.
I have been told that looks convey messages, but I have never known how to decode or use them.
Mind-reading
I often do not know why people get angry with me. I am baffled when others do not clearly say what they think; I loathe being expected to guess their thoughts. I find it hard to imagine that others may think differently from me. Sometimes I do not understand what is expected of me.
Showing empathy
I have often been criticised for being insensitive or indifferent. I am deeply touched when someone else suffers. I sometimes realise too late that someone needed my help. When someone close to me has a problem, I want to help, but I do not know how. I do not know how to express my apologies when something serious happens to someone. When a loved one is upset, I often withdraw because I feel overwhelmed.